Guy #1: So what do we do for lunch?
Guy #2: Chipotle?
Guy #3: Five Guys?
Guy #1: Actually, I was thinking of getting a salad.
Guys 1&2: A what?
Guy #1: … A sa…A salad.
Guy #1: I’ve gained a lot of weight lately. I need to dial it back some.
Guy #2: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right. I mean, you DO look like you’ve swallowed a sheep.
Guy #3: Right. It’s like you took the reverse Captain America Serum.
Guy #2: We should probably see if we can get a crane shipped to your house so you can move around from room to room.
Guy #3: But one of those REINFORCED cranes they use for lifting huge boulders on top of buildings.
Guy #2: Why would anybody want a boulder on top of a building?
Guy #3: This guy would. He’d probably try to eat it.
Guy #1: Fine. We’ll go to Chipotle.
Guys 2&3: Alright!
Person 1: “You know what bothers me?”
Person 2: “What?”
Person 1: “The kind of people who work really hard to learn something and then, when they get it, find out they’re no smarter than when they started.”
Person 2: “Why is that so bad?”
Person 1: “Because those smart people tend to take out their frustrations on the people who didn’t work quite as hard at being ignorant. And they can be really mean about it, too.”
Person #2: “You should stop eating olives at lunch. You get all weird and philosophical.”
Guy #1: The wife and I were talking about Christmas presents last night
Guy #2: uh huh
Guy #1: She keeps asking me what I want, and I’m all like “I don’t know. Surprise me.” But she won’t take that as an answer.
Guy #2: Uh huh.
Guy #1: It was frustrating as hell. What do you tell your wife when she asks you what you want.
Guy #2: A bacchanalia
Guy #1: … Oh ….Well … I just told her to get me a tie.
Guy #2: I want one of those, too.
Not Person: I read your latest Elevator Conversations post.
Me: Yeah? Did you like it?
Not Person: No.
Me: Why not?
Not Person: You made it up, didn’t you? You make them all up!
Me: I make some of them up. Most are real. And others are a mix.
Not Person: You shouldn’t do that.
Me: Shouldn’t do what?
Not Person: Make those up.
Me: Why not?
Not Person: It’s like you’re lying!
Me: Lying has intent to deceive. This has intent to entertain.
Not Person: Well, I think you should stop.
Me: Okay, but you’re not gonna like it.
Not Person: …Why?
Me: Because I made YOU up, and…
Not Person: No, wait!
Me: …If I stop…
Not Person: …I take it back!
Me: … you stop.
Not Person: Nooooooooooooo!
Not Person disappears into a puff of existential smoke. Other Person steps into the elevator.
Other Person: Why are you talking to yourself?
Me: You wouldn’t understand. … Can you push floor 3?
Other Person pushes the button and steps to the side.
Other Person: Stupid, drunk, homeless people.
Me: Hey! I’m not homeless.
Other person: You sure smell like it.
The doors close. The elevator goes away.
Two men step into a crowded elevator.
Man #1: You should just give up and get contacts. They really are better than glasses.
Man #2: No way. I’d have to start washing my hands.
Man #1: …You mean more, right? You’d have to wash your hands … more?
Man #2: No.
Everyone in the elevator steps to the side opposite Man #2.
I stood next to the elevator, holding my hat in one hand; my cell phone in the other. A lady approaches, pushes the button. She sees my hat and her eyes go wide.
Lady: We’re not supposed to wear hats
Me: It’s okay. I’m not wearing it.
Lady: We’re not supposed to wear hats!
Me: It’s okay … I’m not wearing it.
Lady: I’m telling someone.
Me: But….I’m not …
Lady (angrily): We’re not supposed to wear hats.
She storms off, just as the elevator arrives.
Me: I don’t even work here, Lady….
Two men standing in an elevator. One has a large bruise on his forehead.
Man #1: Dude. What happened to your face?
Man #2: Oh nothing. I just fell asleep in the shower and knocked my head against the faucet.
Man #1: Wow. I bet that woke you up.pretty quick, huh?
Man #2: No. I slept there for a good thirty minutes before my wife came in to see what was going on.
Man #1: Heh
Man #2: She said the tile amplified my snoring and it sounded like a wild animal being drowned in our bathroom.
Man #1: Why’d it take her thirty minutes?
Man #2: This wasn’t the first time this has happened.
Person #1: I feel hungry.
Person #2: Hunger’s not an emotion.
Person #3: It is today.
Person #1: Did you hear what Beyoncé said about Donald Trump?
Person #2: Celebrity gossip is like Sports. Or the weather. Cheap Elmer’s Glue for people who can’t figure out another way to bond.
Person #1: Alright. Fine. Damn.