Elevator Conversations: Reality and the Meaning of Existence

Not Person: I read your latest Elevator Conversations post.
Me: Yeah? Did you like it?
Not Person: No.
Me: Why not?
Not Person: You made it up, didn’t you? You make them all up!
Me: I make some of them up. Most are real. And others are a mix.
Not Person: You shouldn’t do that.
Me: Shouldn’t do what?
Not Person: Make those up.
Me: Why not?
Not Person: It’s like you’re lying!
Me: Lying has intent to deceive. This has intent to entertain.
Not Person: Well, I think you should stop.
Me: Okay, but you’re not gonna like it.
Not Person: …Why?
Me: Because I made YOU up, and…
Not Person: No, wait!
Me: …If I stop…
Not Person: …I take it back!
Me: … you stop.
Not Person: Nooooooooooooo!

Not Person disappears into a puff of existential smoke. Other Person steps into the elevator.

Other Person: Why are you talking to yourself?
Me: You wouldn’t understand. … Can you push floor 3?

Other Person pushes the button and steps to the side.

Other Person: Stupid, drunk, homeless people.
Me: Hey! I’m not homeless.
Other person: You sure smell like it.

The doors close. The elevator goes away.

#elevatorconversations

Elevator Conversations: Cleanliness

Two men step into a crowded elevator.

Man #1: You should just give up and get contacts. They really are better than glasses.
Man #2: No way. I’d have to start washing my hands.
Man #1: …You mean more, right? You’d have to wash your hands … more?
Man #2: No.

Everyone in the elevator steps to the side opposite Man #2.

#elevatorconversations

Elevator Conversations: Hats

I stood next to the elevator, holding my hat in one hand; my cell phone in the other. A lady approaches, pushes the button. She sees my hat and her eyes go wide.

Lady: We’re not supposed to wear hats
Me: It’s okay. I’m not wearing it.
Lady: We’re not supposed to wear hats!
Me: It’s okay … I’m not wearing it.
Lady: I’m telling someone.
Me: But….I’m not …
Lady (angrily): We’re not supposed to wear hats.

She storms off, just as the elevator arrives.

Me: I don’t even work here, Lady….

#elevatorconversations

Elevator Conversations: Sleepy Time

Two men standing in an elevator. One has a large bruise on his forehead.

Man #1: Dude. What happened to your face?
Man #2: Oh nothing. I just fell asleep in the shower and knocked my head against the faucet.
Man #1: Wow. I bet that woke you up.pretty quick, huh?
Man #2: No. I slept there for a good thirty minutes before my wife came in to see what was going on.
Man #1: Heh
Man #2: She said the tile amplified my snoring and it sounded like a wild animal being drowned in our bathroom.
Man #1: Why’d it take her thirty minutes?
Man #2: This wasn’t the first time this has happened.

#ElevatorConversations

Elevator Conversations: Dora

I’m standing in the elevator. Some guy walks in, presses a button, and the doors close.

The elevator does not move.

Me: Great.
Him: (to the tune of a Dora Explorer song) Come on, Vomanos. Everybody let’s go!.

I look at him as if to say, “Really, dude?” He looks sheepish until the elevator starts moving.

He smiles the rest of the way.

#elevatorconversations