The Fun Police – A Free Story From Joe Courtemanche

Week five of the Covid Quarantine Free Flash Fiction Fandango comes to a close with an AMAZING story from Doctor Joseph Courtemanche, Professor Emeritus of Theoretical Epistemology.

Click on the kid below to see … AND HEAR … the story.

Check back with us next week for week 6 of the Covid Fiction Blowout. While you’re at it, check out pages for Joseph Courtemanche, Jamie Greening, Kathy Kexel, Derek Elkins, Rob Cely, and Dr. Paul J Bennett for other fine stories and fiction-esque accoutrements.

See you on the flip, everyone. Don’t break anything.

Two More Part 4 – Heart’s Desire

Did you miss past episodes of the TWO MORE saga? If so, check out Part 1, in which two men keep a bar open late to discuss Murder and Mint Juleps. Check out Part 2, in which a main character loses it and kills someone in a parking garage (which we have ALL wanted to do at some point, am I right?). Check out Part 3, in which someone goes to Seattle and it ruins their life. And Part 4? Part 4 starts ….. NOW.

**** **** **** ****

Jim Becker stood in the parking lot behind the Blue Fern Restaurant. It was 11:20 P.M. and it was cold. In his hand, he held the pistol his father had given him when he turned eighteen.

“Only for protection,” his father told him. “Never to hurt. You hear me, son? NEVER.”

“Never,” Jim said, but he didn’t put the gun away.

The man in the garage. The kid. The pool of blood. The broken bike. He couldn’t get the images out of his head. He hadn’t really killed anyone yet. Not really. Both of those were just … accidents. … Right?”

I’m a scientist, the Devil said. I’m very precise.

Jim still wasn’t sure. What would happen at 11:30? Would some strange-looking guy step out of the restaurant? Maybe a drug dealer or a closeted pedophile or something? Would Jim just shoot him and run away? Is that how it worked?

Could his heart’s deepest desire really be worth all this? And what was the Devil up to, really? Heart’s Deepest Desire? What was this, Jim wondered, a Hallmark Movie?

Could his heart’s deepest desire really be worth all this? And what was the Devil up to, really? Heart’s Deepest Desire? What was this, Jim wondered, a Hallmark Movie?

“Emma would have known what to do here,” Jim spoke to the wind. “She always had a preternatural understanding of how things worked and what was going on beneath the surface of all things.”

He looked at the gun again.

“I wish she were here now.”

**** **** **** ****    

Jim returned from his trip to Seattle expecting to find his house either emptied or burned down. Neither would have surprised him. In fact, aliens could have abducted the entire city or an as-yet-undiscovered super volcano miles underground could have exploded and taken out half the country, with his house as the epicenter, and Jim would have shrugged and said, “Figures.”

Instead, he returned to find Emma, busy in the kitchen, making dinner.

“Oh, you’re home!” she said. “Can you hand me the parsley? I think it’s on the second shelf behind the rosemary.” She laughed: a kind of short chuckle that always made Jim smile, even now.

“My mother used to always tell me to keep the parsley front and center. Why, I’ll never know. It was just one of her rules. Rule #2 is you don’t keep taco seasoning next to the curry, but that parsley and rosemary thing was her favorite. Maybe she just hated rosemary. You know anyone who has funny rules like that, sweetie?”

“No,” Jim lied, and handed her the parsley.

“Thanks.” Emma took the parsley from her husband and then, before letting go of his hand, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed him. Nothing special. Just a peck. Then, she turned and busied herself with the next task in her recipe.

“How was your trip?”

“Fine,” Jim said, stunned.

“Anything crazy happen that I should be aware of?”

Jim’s heart skipped a beat.

“Um… no,” He said. “No, of course not.”

“Remember, we have dinner with the FAMILY on Saturday.”


“And your Dad wants to help us fix the door to the upstairs bedroom soon.”


Jim’s phone buzzed. It was Samantha.

“I have a call from work,” Jim said, heading into the hallway.

“Alright,” Emma said as he left. “Dinner in 10.”

“Hi,” Jim said.

“I’ve been thinking about the weekend,” Samantha began. “And I’m not sure you and me would work out.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” Jim said, hoping to put the whole thing behind him.

“I don’t want to lose my marriage, my family,” she began. “And I know you don’t want to lose yours. So we’ll have to keep this between us.”


“No special date nights. No rendezvous at hotels. No stupid love letters. None of that.”

“…Sure,” Jim said. “None of that.”

“But there are always lunch breaks, long afternoon one-on-one meetings, and the occasional conference,” she said. He voice had an edge to it as she spoke. “I can’t wait for those.”  

“Uh … Listen,” Jim began.

“Yes?” the voice on the other end was hesitant.

“Um … I had a really fun time this weekend,” he spoke in monotone. “I can’t wait to meet you again.”

“Same here,” Samantha said, breathing out a sigh that sent tingles down Jim’s spine.

“Honey,” Emma called from the kitchen. “Dinner!”

“I have to go,” Jim said.

“See you tomorrow.”

Jim returned to the kitchen, put his phone on silent, and sat down with his wife. They shared dinner together, shared old stories together, drank a few bottles of wine, and sat on the back deck of their small house, watching the fireflies light up the night sky.

Emma took Jim by the hand and led him to their bedroom. She kissed him again. They were intimate for the first time in months, and it was the best sex Jim had remembered having in a long time, perhaps ever.

When it was over Jim held Emma in his arms until she fell asleep, then rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling for hours, watching as headlights from the cars that passed their house drew shadows across the ceiling.

**** **** **** ****

True to their word, Jim Becker and Samantha Upchurch did not pursue each other outside the bounds of the normal workday. It was a nine to five affair full of lunchtime liaisons, mid-afternoon project planning meetings in remote conference rooms, and the occasional offsite excursion for team-building exercises where the team consisted only of Jim and Samantha, and the exercising in question was most decidedly not HR approved.

Things at home seemed to improve for Jim as well. After the blow-up before Jim’s Seattle conference, Emma seem to have come back to her senses. They talked about their days, bought a new kitchen table so they could eat dinner together, and made it down to the Friendly Stop on occasion for Thursday night quiz bowl.

Jim explained away any eccentricities in either his actions or his work schedule with surprising ease.

“Why do you need to go in early tomorrow?” Emma would ask.

“The operations director is in town from London and will be at the office by 6:00 A.M,” Jim said. “He’s a real stickler for punctuality, just like most of the Brits who work for us. I want to make a good impression.”

“Why did you spend so much money on lunch when I packed you a sandwich and your favorite pub chips?”

“That? Oh, the new team makes regular lunch trips, and it’s expected that managers and leaders like me occasionally cover the tab. I know it’s stupid, but it’s part of the culture. It’s okay. We can afford it.”

“You seem different,” Emma asked once, making his heart skip a few beats. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, sweetie. I suppose I have an extra spring in my step lately. It’s because you’re so lovely. Thank you for noticing. I love you so much.”

For a while, Jim imagined he could manage his life this way. Deep down, he knew it couldn’t last and, when it finally all blew up, it would likely be his fault for lighting the fuse. But, for now, speaking mostly in little half-truths that, while not exactly lies, Jim rationalized to himself, certainly did more to keep the peace than anything else in what had passed for their marriage for the last few years. He had his wife at home and his friends-with-benefits, who was not looking or anything serious anyway, during the day.

“The best of both worlds!” Jim told himself at night when he stared at the shadows on the ceiling, wondering why he was unhappy with all of it.

And Jim was right. Things went on this way for a while without even a hint of problems. But, as Emma née Ridenhour’s mother knew all too well, you can’t keep the parsley away from the rosemary for too long. Eventually, they’ll find each other again and mess up your whole cupboard.

The mess started for Jim and Samantha on a Tuesday afternoon in the spring, shortly after they returned from another project planning lunch, and it came in the form of a middle-aged man named Dave.

Dave was so nervous, his comb-over had flopped backward, standing straight up over his head.

“Dude, just so you know, HR’s been asking about you and Sam.”

“What do you mean?” Jim asked. His breathing quickened.

“They’ve been asking if you Samantha have been, you know…” Dave rammed his fist back and forth a couple of times and stuck his jaw out at an awkward angle. “That’s not you, is it?”

“No way,” Jim lied. He lied almost reflexively now.

“Good. Just giving you a head’s up. Keep your head down.”

For the next hour, people walked swiftly past his desk. He could hear them mumbling, shooting furtive glances in his direction as they passed. The experience reminded Jim of the time he went to Hilton Head with his parents as a kid. He’d stand in the ocean, feeling the water rush past him as another wave gathered behind him, then try to run to the beach as fast as he could to avoid the water cresting over him, pulling him under.

Jim could feel the water gathering. He tried to focus on work, hoping that he was just imagining things, that Dave was full of it, that maybe he could leave early and avoid whatever it was his soul told him was soon to come.

Fifteen minutes before Jim had planned to leave, the water crested and broke over his head.

Samantha walked through the main office with a box in her hands. Her eyes were red from tears. She carried a clump of worn tissues in her hand. An HR director – Jim didn’t know her name. They all looked the same to him – escorted her to the exit, then walked straight to Jim’s desk.

“Mr. Becker,” The HR director said. “Please follow me.”

Jim sat on a cold, metal chair as his manager, his director, the HR director who escorted him in, and three additional HR representatives read the charges against him. Several of his colleagues had complained about their relationship over the course of three months. They had been unable to gather any evidence of wrongdoing for quite some time, but when the IT department insisted in installing surveillance cameras in the empty  fourth floor conference rooms in response to laptops that had coming up missing, they had all the evidence they needed.

“Ms Upchurch,” the HR director began.

“Mrs. Upchurch,” Jim corrected her.

“Ms Upchurch,” the HR lady shot back. “Samantha and her husband divorced two months ago.”

Jim was shocked. He had no idea.

“Ms Upchurch denied everything until we showed her the tapes. She has taken a leave of absence and will submit her resignation at the end of the fiscal quarter. We suggest you do the same. A formal letter has been sent to your residence, explaining all the details.”

“Wait, what? You sent a letter to my house?”

The HR director straightened her glasses and smiled.

“Yes, Mr Becker. It should arrive tomorrow.”

“But I …”

“But what? Are you afraid what your wife might say?”

Jim was speechless.

“It sounds like you have some important conversations ahead of you, Mr Becker. Security will escort you out.”

The managers got up to leave. “Good day, Mr. Becker.”

**** **** **** ****

Emma Ridenhour was making pot roast and singing to herself when Jim got home. It was a folk song Jim had never heard before. He stood in the living room by himself, listening, and it reminded of the first time he met his wife. The way she danced by herself, the way she smiled at him, the feel of her lips against hers on that first kiss, and many others since.

Jim stood in the living room and cried silently. The wave had crested. The parsley had found the rosemary again. His life with the only woman he had ever truly loved was over, only Emma didn’t know it yet. Jim stood in the living room, weeping. There was nothing he could do to fix the mess he had made or change the only path in front of him.

Jim walked into the kitchen, and told Emma everything.

Three days later, Jim finally cleaned out the crock put full of pot roast neither of them had eaten. He walked to the living room and sat in the space where the couch used to be. The bookshelves, the pictures, all their memories were gone. All that was left was ratty, high-backed chair from his college days, his clothes, and the crock pot full of moldy pot roast he had recently thrown away.

That, and the silence, only this silence was somehow worse because where, in the past, there was hope of renewal. Now, there was no hope.

Jim went down to The Friendly Stop, ordered a few beers, and started telling everyone how happy he was to finally be single again. Everyone but Sean believed him. Sean could see his eyes.

“The last thing I need is another woman,” Jim Becker said, and it was true. He didn’t want another woman. He wanted Emma.

But Emma was gone.

**** **** **** ****

Jim Becker put his gun in his pocket and made his way to the front entrance of the Blue Fern restaurant. Someone had draped a sign over the door that read “The Quarantine Cantina. $2 beers for all non-essentials.”

Jim laughed as the wind blew through his jacket and made him shiver.

“Why couldn’t the Devil have picked somewhere warmer and more well lit?” Jim asked, but no one responded. “I wish Emma were here. She’d know what to do.”

The answer to the Devil’s riddle was obvious. Emma was his heart’s deepest desire. Could it really be true that all he had to do to get her back was take care of the final person on the Devil’s list? Jim had seen a lot in the last twenty-four hours, but even this seemed extreme.

The hooded man in the garage. The kid lying next to his mangled bike. The images flashed through Jim’s mind over and over. Jim Becker wasn’t sure he could go through with it.

He closed his eyes, and what came to him this time was not the constant reel of his past mistakes – of which today’s mishaps were only the most recent examples – but instead, it was Emma. All the pain and death and suffering and loneliness swept away, replaced by pictures of Emma on their wedding day, walking toward him with that sly smile on her face; Emma asleep on the couch with her hand rested against her cheek in a way that always made him smile; Emma, looking into his eyes and saying she loved him again, that all was forgiven, that they could rebuild their lives together, forever and always.


Jim gave in. He allowed himself to believe the possibilities the Devil had shown him. Jim realized that yes, he could kill someone – a very bad someone like the devil said – if it meant he could have his Emma back.

Jim stood next to a lamp post in the rain, watching as the doors to the Blue Fern Bar opened wide and people streamed out into the night air.

“Man in red,” Jim said, scanning the crowd. “Man in Red.”

An older couple slowly made their way down the steps to the sidewalk. They wore green windbreakers and blue jeans. A group of college men screamed good-natured obscenities at each other, moving sideways like a mob toward the parking garage a few streets north. One kid wore a  maroon University of Alabama hat but, other than that, there was no one in red.

That’s when Jim saw her. Those eyes. Those lips. That face he could never forget, not in a million years. It was his heart’s deepest desire, his love, his Emma coming down the steps.

She wore a beautiful red dress.

“No!” Jim said, realizing now, almost too late, that it was all a lie. “Oh God, no!” He turned and started to run away, but the Devils’ words came back to haunt him.

This person is on my list. This person will die, whether you do the job or someone else. I’m a scientist. I’m very precise.

“I have to warn her,” Jim thought. He took off running, following Emma down the alleyway next to the bar.

“Emma!” he screamed. “Emma, wait!” Jim ran full throttle now, not aware that he still had his gun in his hand. He caught up to her, grabbed her by the shoulder, and she turned.


A sharp, loud noise echoed off the buildings around them. The shocked look on Emma’s face made him stop, momentarily stunned.

“Jim? Oh my God, Jim? What are you doing here?”

Jim stumbled back and looked down. There was blood on his shirt. Emma stood in front of him, holding a gun of her own. She had pulled the trigger. Jim doubled over in pain, grabbing at his abdomen.

“Jim!” Emma screamed.

His watch started beeping. 11:30. If he didn’t act now, Emma would soon be dead. He tried to scream, tried to tell her to run, but all that came out was a groan.

Emma saw the gun in Jim’s hand. “What’s going on? Were you trying to kill me?” she asked, the pain in her voice almost too much for him to bear.

“No,” Jim said, barely able to speak. “Never.”

Jim finally understood. This had been the Devil’s plan all along. It certainly looked like he was trying to kill her, didn’t it? But looks can be deceiving. Hadn’t the Devil himself said that? Jim wondered if that man in the garage had really attacked the blond woman, or if there was more to the story.

Jim fell to the ground.

“Oh my God, Jim!” Emma knelt beside him, and held his head in her lap. She pulled out her phone, frantically dialing 9-1-1. “Please, God, somebody help me!”

Heels clicked quickly in the alley behind him. The Devil himself had come to finish the job, and all Jim could do was watch.

I’m a scientist, The Devil had said. I’m very precise. The person in red will die at 11:30.

Here Jim was: his formerly white shirt stained a dark, deep red from the blood that pooled around him, seeping into the concrete.

Jim raised his hand, meaning to shoo Emma away, to protect her from all of this. She grasped it in both her hands and kissed him. Jim’s blood smearing across her cheeks.

“Hold on,” she said.

The clicking got closer. Old Scratch, The Man in White, The Lord of the Dead. The Devil stepped over the soon to be deceased Jim Becker, made a show of brushing a spot of blood off of his white pants, and stopped.

Jim closed his eyes, and the last thing he heard before passing from this world into whatever waited for him in the next, was this:

“Hello, Emma. That was your first. You’ve got two more.”

Lockdown – A Free Story by Rob Cely

With the quarantines going on, I’m sure most of us have begun to experience some, shall we say, adverse reactions to isolation. The Introverts might be okay, but the rest of us extroverts are going a little nutty.

More nutty than normal, anyway.

But what would happen if we faced extreme isolation for an extended period of time? How would it affect our health? Our relationships? Our minds?

Rob Cely explores this theme in today’s short story, Lockdown. Click on the face below to check it out.

Our band of merry misfits is rounded out with Joseph Courtemanche, Jamie Greening, Kathy Kexel, Derek Elkins, Rob Cely, and Dr Paul Bennett. But, just because we’re well-rounded NOW doesn’t mean we’re stopping here. There are plenty of other geometric shapes to try out. Watch THIS SPACE for future additions, subtractions, multiplications, and maybe even some differential equations to your Fantabulous Free Fiction Explode-A-Ganza.

I’m on Deck tomorrow with part 4 of my serialized short story: Two More. I don’t know about you, but I, for one, am excited to find out how it ends.

The Problem of Pain and COVID-19 – A Free Story from Derek Elkins

Do you have questions? Sure, we all do.

If you’re anything like me, it’s common to ask big questions in times like these. For example: Why does everything suck all of a sudden? When will things stop sucking? And, of course: What happens if the Burger King down the street goes out of business? I really like Whoppers and I don’t know how I can go on if I have to drive all the way to Winter Garden – a full 25 minutes away from Shaw Manor – to get a Whopper. Why me, God? Why?

Let’s hope you’re not a shallow and self-absorbed as I am. Let’s hope you’re more like Derek Elkins, who dealt with some of the more transcendental questions that crop up when things fall down. Head on over to the shawblog at josepheshaw (dot) com (slash) blog to see a much deeper conversation Derek Elkins recently had with his daughter with his story, The Problem of Pain and Covid 19

Our band of merry misfits is rounded out with Joseph Courtemanche, Jamie Greening, Kathy Kexel, Derek Elkins, Rob Cely, and Dr Paul Bennett. But, just because we’re well-rounded NOW doesn’t mean we’re stopping here. There are plenty of other geometric shapes to try out. Watch THIS SPACE for future additions, subtractions, multiplications, and maybe even some differential equations to your Fantabulous Free Fiction Explode-A-Ganza.

Jamie Greening is on deck for tomorrow. We’ll catch you on the flip. Until then, don’t break anything.

Song in October – A Free Story from Dr. Paul Bennett

I originally intended to share a quasi-embarrassing story about a time, back in high school, when I went to a prom or a homecomming dance with a girl-who-was-maybe-a-girlfriend-but-we-never-had-a-conversation-about-it-so-who-knows-yknow-what-I-Mean. And I had a few to choose from because, as it turns out, one of the things in life I am good at is wandering into situations that will make for good stories a few years down the line.

Unfortunately, I believe I’m friends on Facebook with most of the women who lucked out into having to go to a high school dance with me instead of someone cool, and I’m quite certain they would call me on my b.s. Which means I’d have to be honest about the stories. And what kind of fun is that?

So here’s a sweet story about young people in love from a new entry into our fun band of misfits. Dr Paul Bennett (an actual doctor, as opposed to Doctor Joe Courtemanche, who is a Doctor of Transcendental Epistemology, which is a thing I did not just totally make up) spends his days fighting the Covid-19 virus and saving people’s lives. At night, he writes stuff like this.

I bet all those girls-who-were-maybe-a-girlfriend-but-we-never-had-a-conversation-about-it-so-who-knows-yknow-what-I-Mean would have preferred to be with someone like HIM way back when.

I know I would have if I were in their shoes.

Click on the young couple below to read “A Song in October.”