Caramel Hill – A Free Easter Story from Jamie D Greening

The Fondue Writers are back, and this time we’re tackling Easter WITH A VENGEANCE.

Okay, so we’re not really tackling Easter, per se. We’re really more addressing it. Or commenting on it. Or writing free fiction about it. You get the idea.

Whatever it we’re doing to Easter … we are definitely doing it … WITH A VENGEANCE. That much I can assure you.

Leading us off for the Easter Explode-A-Ganza is our dear friend from Austin, Texas: Jamie D Greening. And BOY does Jamie have a good yarn for you. If all the pomp and circumstance around Easter – and most holidays in general – seems a bit STRANGE to you, well, you’re gonna like checking out “CARAMEL HILL.” 



Jamie’s got a lot of other stuff you can read at his website, jamiegreening.com, including his wildly popular Butch Gregory series (see The Little Girl Waits, How Great is the Darkness, and A Dream Within). Jamie has a few books in the works coming out later this year as well.

Stick with us for the next two weeks as we bring to you at least six short stories (one of which is from Yours Truly!) to help make your Easter Dreams come true. Or stop them. Whichever it is you’re looking for … We got you covered. 

Rejoice! Free Fiction is Upon Us Yet Again! Rejoice! 

The Ballad of Adam and Grace – A Free Valentine’s Story from Rob Cely

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! And thanks to those who have made it throgh our Valentine’s Free Fiction Explode-A-Ganza. The final story in this series comes from Rob Cely, and it defies any explanation or series of stupid words on the part of Yours Truly, other than to say: Go read it. Go read it now.

If you fell in love with this one, why not give some of the other authors a chance as well. Check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

You might also consider our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

The Fondue Writer’s Club (and Bar & Grille and Laundromat) will be back at Easter to wow you with yet another Holiday-focused Free Fiction Explode-A-Ganza. Until then, keep your chin up, smile at old people at babies, and above all else … don’t break anything. .

Something More Than This – A Free Valentine’s Day Story in One Act

You’ve read the rest of the Fondue Writer’s Free Fiction Valentine’s Day stories. Now, it’s time to suffer through mine! Hold onto your goetta, folks. This one’s a doozie.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

SETTING: A small restaurant. The dinner patrons have just finished eating their meal and have settled into conversation. The waitress drops off the last of the drinks as Kevin, who is just hitting his stride, launches into another story to the enjoyment of his friends.


KEVIN: So I went out with Beth the other night.

ADAM: Was that the girl you met at Mike and Melissa’s Christmas party?

KEVIN: No. That was Chrissie. This was Beth, the blind date my cousin set me up on.

JOSH: Whatever happened to Jaime? Did you guys break up or something?

KEVIN: Not really. It just didn’t work out.

MIKE: What happened?

KEVIN: She had a mole and that wrecked it for me.

ADAM: A mole?

MIKE: (sarcastically) Oh no, Kevin … Not a mole!

ADAM: Moley Moley Moley Moley …

JOSH: Come on, now, Kevin, you have to look past these kinds of things. It’s the twenty first century. Society is evolving. Be a bigger man.

ADAM: Right, and besides, those women are all the rage in Borneo and Sri Lanka these days. Were you to move there with the lovely, mole-faced Jamie as your wife, you’d be a king!

MIKE: I once dated a woman who had Fred Flintstone feet and I learned to put up with it.

KEVIN: Fred Flintstone feet?

MIKE: Yeah. She had only four toes. All of them were normal at the base but spread out into a thin, flat circle around the toenail. They looked like little hammerhead sharks. And her feet looked more like flippers than normal feet.

JOSH & KEVIN: Wicked.

MIKE: She had some trouble walking straight, but get that woman into a pool and there was no stopping her.

JOSH: That’s nothing. My ex girlfriend had a moustache.

KEVIN: No.

JOSH: Yessir. Big and bushy as could be. She tried to shave it off in the morning, but the five o’clock shadow was there by noon. If she let it go for a couple of days, she looked like Tom Selleck.

KEVIN: Really?

JOSH: Yeah. Well … Tom Selleck with breasts.

ADAM: You had it easy. My ex fiancé had Tourette’s syndrome.

MIKE: What’s that?

JOSH: That’s where you inadvertently scream obscenities in public for no good reason.

KEVIN: Doesn’t your mother have that, Josh?

JOSH: No. She’s just mean. She’s always yelling at my brother and me, and I’ve never understood it. It’s not like we accidentally set the neighbor’s garage on fire when we were kids. We knew what we were doing.

KEVIN: That sure was a beautiful flame.

JOSH: Yessir.

MIKE: You could see it for miles around.

ADAM: Well my ex fiancé’s Tourette’s was real. Imagine my embarrassment when I bent down on one knee to propose marriage and, in her excitement, she let out a string of obscenities just as a a bunch of kids walked past.

MIKE: Did she say yes?

ADAM: Of course! And the restaurant manager was so impressed with my demeanor, he took my picture and put it on the wall.

KEVIN: So how come you never got married?

ADAM: We had political disagreements.

JOSH: Was she one of those brainless libs?

ADAM: No.

MIKE: A right wing nut job?

ADAM: No.

KEVIN: What was it then?

ADAM: I caught her sleeping with the mayor.

MIKE: That’ll do it every time.

ADAM: How was your date with Beth, Kevin? Was it a smashing success as usual?

KEVIN: Mostly. It started out great, but I ran into some problems about halfway through.

ADAM: What happened?

KEVIN: I had it all planned out. I picked her up in the Beamer, greeted her with a massive bouquet, and I made sure there was a bottle of wine waiting for us at the restaurant.

MIKE: Classy.

JOSH: You bought her flowers? She must be hot. I never buy flowers on the first date.

ADAM: And it’s a wonder you’re still single.

JOSH: You’re already paying for dinner. Flowers on top of that is a lot of money for someone you might never see again.

ADAM: Dude, you’re hopeless.

KEVIN: We ordered dinner and did the chick talk-y thing. (pasue) The problem was I had bad gas building up for over an hour, and of course I couldn’t just beef right there at the dinner table.

ADAM: (looking at Josh, as though explaining something to a child) That’s because it’s not considered good date etiquette, Josh. Make sure to write that down.

JOSH: Shut up.

ADAM: Assuming, of course, you succeed in bribing somebody to go out with you again.

JOSH: Shut up!

KEVIN: Or if the Russian brides website takes you off their permanent ban list.

JOSH: Hey that was a misunderstanding. Customs laws are more complicated than you think.

(beat)

KEVIN: When she excused herself to powder her nose, I took advantage of the opportunity and let one fly

ADAM: Of course!

KEVIN: But, I gambled and lost.

MIKE: You what?

KEVIN: Like I said, it was a lot of gas. One of those farts where you can’t tell if it’s going to be an actual bathroom incident or just hot air.

ADAM: And?

KEVIN: It wasn’t just air. (they laugh)

JOSH: So what did you do?

KEVIN: The only thing I could do. I ran to the bathroom, finished up, tossed my underpants in the trash, and made it back to the table before she did.

ADAM: You threw out your underwear in the middle of a restaurant!

KEVIN: Yep. Went commando the rest of the night.

JOSH: And she never suspected it?

KEVIN: No. I had a fresh glass of wine waiting for her when she returned.

JOSH: So the date was a success, then?

KEVIN: More or less. We had a good time, but I don’t think we’ll go out again. She’s a redhead and you know how I feel about redheads.

(The remaining men groan)

MIKE: You’ve gotta get past this redhead thing, man. Just because one or two of them were crazy …

JOSH:  … Or three …

ADAM:  … Or four …

MIKE: It doesn’t mean they’re all bad.

JOSH: Right. You don’t want to be prejudiced against redheads, now.

KEVIN: I’m not prejudiced, but I do do percentages and averages. Of the 5 redheads I’ve dated, 4 of them were nuts. I’m talking full tilt bozo, if you know what I mean.

ADAM: What about the other one?

KEVIN: She became a nun. 

(they all laugh)

JOSH: Hey, speaking of crazy people, did you guys hear about the kid that got lost at the Taste of Orlando festival last week?

ADAM: What about him? Kids get lost at those things all the time.

MIKE: Some get lost for good.

KEVIN: Yeah, that’s that survival of the fittest thing, right?

MIKE: No. I don’t think that applies to humans.

ADAM: Yeah. I think you have to be a fish or a duck or something like that.

MIKE: My cousin looks like a duck. Does that count?

ADAM: I don’t know. Maybe.

KEVIN: Well if anybody was ever naturally selected for extinction, it was my cousin Joey. He went on an all-beer diet to try to lose weight.

JOSH: Sounds interesting.

MIKE: Tell me more.

ADAM: I like the cut of his jib!

KEVIN: I told him he was nuts, but he disagreed. “Beer is nutritious,” he said. “You see bums drinking it all the time. It’s like Ensure™ for homeless people.” (pause)  So he spent a month consuming nothing but beer.

JOSH: What happened?

KEVIN: He died of cirrhosis.

ADAM: Oh, Kevin. I’m sorry.

KEVIN: That’s ok. I never liked him anyway.

MIKE: Why not?

KEVIN He was really into golf and that just got on my nerves.

JOSH: That’s strange.

KEVIN: The week before he died, he attacked me with a five iron.

ADAM: That’s understandable. He was probably hammered out of his mind.

KEVIN: It was my five iron.

EVERYONE ELSE: Oh.

KEVIN: I haven’t been able to hit a decent chip shot since.

JOSH: So this kid shoes up at the police tent at the Taste of Orlando saying he can’t find his mom, right? The cops figure someone will show up in a few minutes, all scared and apologetic like most parents would.

MIKE: My mom thought she lost me at a department store when I was a kid. She lost her mind.

ADAM: Yeah, but you’re mom’s always been crazy.

MIKE: She wanted to kill me when she found out I’d been hiding in the women’s changing room but, when she saw the four hundred pound woman who’d been trying on bras walk out of the room I’d been hiding in, she figured that was punishment enough.

KEVIN & ADAM: (shudder visibly)

JOSH: So this kid sits in the cop tent all day long and his parents never show up. The cops had to take him back to the station and he stayed there for eight days before they found out who he was.

MIKE: That reminds me of the movie “Joe Dirt.”

ADAM: At least he ate well for a couple of days, though.

KEVIN: His parents probably got confused and went to the “Taste of Crack” festival a few blocks over.

JOSH: It’s amazing. You have to get a license to fish, but you can have as many kids as you like no matter how dumb you are.

MIKE: Yeah, but if you catch a bad fish, you can always throw it back.

ADAM: DUDE!

MIKE: What? All I’m saying there’s a difference between fishing and raising kids.

KEVIN: It’s like apples and oranges.

JOSH: Or cheese wheels and roller coasters.

MIKE: Exactly.

ADAM: What happened to the kid? Did he go back to his parents?

JOSH: I don’t know. The story went on to page ten and I didn’t feel like flipping that far into the paper. Besides, all I really wanted to do was see the line on the Super Bowl.

MIKE: That reminds me. Are you guys up for watching the hockey game this weekend at my place?

JOSH: Sure.

KEVIN: Nah. If I wanted to see toothless men beat each other senseless with sticks, I’d go to my family reunion.

ADAM: I can’t.

MIKE: Why not?

ADAM: I have to do community service this weekend.

KEVIN: Did your neighbors catch you peeing in their flowerbed again?

MIKE: How many times have we told you to stop that?

ADAM: That’s not it.

JOSH: Right. His neighbors will never catch him. He’s too stealthy.

MIKE: Er something.

ADAM: I got arrested for shoplifting.

KEVIN: You what?

ADAM: Yep. They took me downtown. Booked me and everything.

MIKE: What did you do, Adam?  (spoken like the line “What did you do, Ray?” in Ghostbusters)

ADAM: Well I was out at the mall last Saturday, looking for a new pair of sandals. My old pair is starting to pull apart at the seams and the strap cuts into my foot.

KEVIN: Oooh. I hate it when that happens. I once cut my foot on my sandals when I was at Cedar Point. By the time I got home I was limping like Quasimodo.

JOSH: I thought he had a hunchback, not a limp.

KEVIN: He had both. I think the two are connected.

JOSH: Oh.

ADAM: I was standing in Abercrombie and Fitch, when I noticed this smoking hot chick standing a few rows over. I’m talking long, brown hair and a gorgeous figure.

MIKE: Now this is getting interesting.

KEVIN: Tell me more.

JOSH: I like the cut of his jib!

ADAM: She has a t-shirt in her hand and she looks around real fast, like she’s checking to make sure nobody’s watching. Then she starts rolling up the t-shirt.

KEVIN: Uh oh.

ADAM: She looks around again to see who’s watching, and then stuffs the t-shirt in her purse.

KEVIN: (shaking his head) That’s what they get for charging $150 for an “all cotton tee.”

ADAM: Right then, I’m thinking maybe this was just a strange way women like to shop. Like it keeps their hands free or something. But I changed my mind when she walked out of the store.

JOSH: So how does this get you arrested?

MIKE: Yeah?

ADAM: Well I figured this was my chance, so I ran out after her and grabbed her elbow. “Undercover security, m’am,” I said. “Step this way, please?”

MIKE: Oh, that’s genius.

ADAM: She’s freaking out. She hands me the shirt from her purse and starts walking back to the store, thinking I’m going to call the cops on her. But I say, “Wait a minute. We don’t have to go through all of that. I’ll let you off with if you promise never to do it again. And if you go to dinner with me.”

JOSH: Beautiful.

KEVIN: Well played, sir!

ADAM: She handed me her driver’s license and I was halfway through copying her address and phone number when I felt a hand on my arm and heard a voice say, “Undercover security, sir. Could you step this way, please?”

MIKE: D’oh!

ADAM: I looked behind me and saw three security guards standing there. I looked back to the girl, but she bolted. She left me standing there with the shirt she’d stolen. They called the cops, I got nailed for shoplifting, and now I have to do 100 hours of community service.

KEVIN: That sucks, dude.

ADAM: It’s not all bad. I did get her number, remember.

JOSH: You didn’t call her, did you?

ADAM: I sure did. We’re going out next weekend. She’s picking me up after my morning of court-ordered, roadside trash collection.

KEVIN: That sounds … romantic?

ADAM: I think so.

JOSH: So, Mike, what’s this big news you want to tell us?

KEVIN: Yeah, what’s going on?

ADAM: Right. We’ve been waiting all night for you to tell us. Speak up!

MIKE: Well. You know how Melissa and I have been dating for almost a year now? You know how I’ve been saying we were meant to be together and all that, right?

ADAM: Is this what I think it is?

JOSH: Mike and Melissa finally broke up.

KEVIN: YES!

JOSH: Welcome back to the fold, my brother. Don’t worry. The pain will go away after the first couple of months.

KEVIN: Right. Take it from him. He’s a pro. He’s wrecked hundreds of relationships.

MIKE: No. We didn’t break up. We’re getting married.

(a long moment of shocked silence)

ADAM: Really?

MIKE: Yes.

KEVIN: Like … married married?

MIKE: Uh-huh.

JOSH: What? Did you lose a bet or something?

MIKE: No.

ADAM: When did this happen?

MIKE: Last night. We went out to dinner, and then we went for a walk next to the lake. I proposed and she said yes.

ADAM: This is gonna change everything.

KEVIN: Don’t you wanna hang out with us anymore?

MIKE: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys. It’s great to sit here and tell stories over a few drinks, but there has to be a bit more to life than just that. Haven’t you guys ever thought there was something more than this?

JOSH: No.

ADAM: No way.

KEVIN: I know what you mean. It’s like when you’re playing Super Mario Brothers. You get all the way to the end and then King Koopa shoots you with a fireball. You die again and again, but then one day you beat the game. Then you sit back and you say, “What am I gonna do now?”

JOSH: Oh. Hey, yeah. I get it.

ADAM: That’s why they made Super Mario two.

KEVIN: And part three.

ADAM: And Mario Cart!

JOSH: Oooh. I love that game.

KEVIN: Me too. I like the part where…

MIKE: No. Getting married is not like beating a video game.

ADAM: (very surprised) It isn’t?

MIKE: No. It’s like…like meeting an old friend for the first time. Or finding an answer to a question that’s haunted you. It’s not something you can describe, really. That’s what Melissa is to me. Indescribable. She’s that something I’ve been looking for. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So we’re getting married.

(more silence)

ADAM: Really?

MIKE: Yes … really. Why is it so hard to believe?

JOSH: I don’t know. It’s a shock, I guess.

ADAM: But … it’s not a bad thing.

JOSH: Yeah. It’s kinda cool.

ADAM: One of the crew, finally tying the knot.

KEVIN: I guess that means there’s hope for the rest of us.

MIKE: Well, maybe not.

KEVIN: Why do you say that?

MIKE: You’re the one who dated a girl with a Tom Selleck moustache, right.

KEVIN: So?

ADAM: Yeah? What’s wrong with that?

(they all look at him with genuine looks of confusion)

MIKE: Nevermind.

(pause)

JOSH: Hey. You know what this means, right?

ADAM: Oh yeah, baby!

ALL (minus Mike): Bachelor party!

ADAM: This one time I was at a bachelor party where the best man took the groom and all of his friends to a bar for some midget tossing. It was awesome!

MIKE: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

JOSH: Whatever, dude. Midget tossing is a classy sport in all those Eastern European countries. They had a special on ESPN 8, and The Ocho never lies.

KEVIN: Didn’t you start your own backyard wrestling league because The Ocho said it was “all the rage? “

ADAM: That’s how you got that concussion, right?

JOSH: Alright. So they lied to me once. They won’t do it again. I trust them.

MIKE: I’m the one getting married, and I don’t think midget tossing is …

KEVIN: We’re the ones planning the party. If we say its midget tossing, then midget tossing it is.

ADAM: We could film it and made our own DVD.

JOSH: Yeah! We could call it “Mike and the Midgets” or maybe just “Mike and Midge” for short. We’d want to save money on printing, so the less words the better.

KEVIN: This is gonna be sweet. I can’t wait!

(Mike lowers his head, shaking it slowly, while everyone else cheers with excitement)

**** **** **** ****

If you fell in love with this one, why not give some of the other authors a chance as well. Check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

You might also consider our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Rob Cely will be back to close out our Valentine’s Day Explode-A-Ganza on Monday. Until then, remember that what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, Cats always land on their feet, and babies cry less when they sleep on their stomachs … so long as you don’t break anything. .

There’s Always A Carpenter – A Free Valentine’s Story by Paul J Bennett

Day three of the Valientine’s Day Free Fiction Explode-A-Ganza brings us a wonderful, modern-day retelling of an old story by Dr. Paul J Bennett. And it’s set in a coffee shop, too! Check out “There’s Always A Carpenter

If you fell in love with this one, why not give some of the other authors a chance as well. Check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

You might also consider our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Derek Alan Elkins will be back tomorrow with another story in our Valentine’s Day Explode-A-Ganza on Monday. Until then, remember that what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, Cats always land on their feet, and babies cry less when they sleep on their stomachs … so long as you don’t break anything. .

The Picture – A Free Valentine’s Day Story from Jamie D. Greening

A picture holds a thousand words. But with today’s Free Valentine’s Day fiction, a picture might as well hold millions. Jamie Greening brings us another perspective on the paths love can take across a lifetime with his story: The Picture:

If you fell in love with this one, why not give some of the other authors a chance as well. Check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

You might also consider our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Dr Paul Bennet will be back tomorrow with another Valentine’s Day short story. Until then, find someone you love, hug them tight, and remind them not to break anything.

The Spinster Squad vs Cupid: A Valentine’s Day Massacre – Kathy Kexel

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fondue Writer’s Club is back with a brand-new set of piping hot stories, this time in celebration of Valentine’s Day.

It’s strange to see the weirdness and degeneracy of one group of people rub off onto another. In this case, the moral degradation of the lunatic fringe of the Fondue Writer’s Club And Bar And Grille And Laundromat has, at least at first glance, given the title, rubbed off onto sweet, innocent Kathy Kexel.

What else are we to suppose, with her using words like “Massacre” right there in the title?

But if you look a little closer, the prevailing theme is something more akin to mischievousness than malevolence. And if that be the case, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Check out the new story from Kathy Kexel.

If you fell in love with this one, why not give some of the other authors a chance as well. Check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

You might also consider our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Jamie Greening will be back with another VD story tomorrow. Until then, remember to clean up after yourselves, spay and neuter your pets, and always always always try not to break anything.

Saturn’s Eye – Jamie Greening

A long-fought battle between two powerful forces finds a truce. But that truce is tenuous at best. Years after the truce was signed, rumblings of disagreements speak of a new war between the old foes, and the machinations of war once again resurrect to fight anew.

Is it the new Matrix: Resurrections film?

No! It’s today’s Fondue Christmas story from Jamie Greening, a sequel to last year’s story. It’s called Saturn’s Eye, and it’s ready for you, dear reader, over at the Greenbean site. Check it out. You will not be disappointed.

If you have the time, please check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

If you’d like what you see, you might also check out our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Dr Paul Bennett finishes us off on Friday, and then it’s Christmas and a new year. We’ll be back in the Winter and Spring with the occasional Free, Holiday-themed short story (and maybe some other things). Don’t you worry. Until then, enjoy the holiday of your choice, watch out for the New Year’s Baby’s diaper, and, as always … don’t break anything.

Santa Who? – Derek Alan Elkins

One day, many years ago, I saw a movie in which a young woman was accosted by Bigfoot behind a dumpster. Shortly there after, Bill pullman was playing a saxophone in a night club, and then he exploded. After that, a mechanic was taken for a ride in a limousine, and the limo drove off the cliff, revealing a young woman who then made her way to the restaurant where she would later be accosted by Bigfoot.

There were also midgets. Because Reasons.

Today’s story is from the delightfully weird Derek Alan Elkins is kinda like that. I have no idea where it’s going and no idea what it means. But it’s there and it probably means something. Merry Christmas.

Check out Santa Who? by Derek Alan Elkins. And watch out for Bigfoot.

If you have the time, please check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

If you’d like what you see, you might also check out our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Kathy Kexel will be back with us on Monday, then it’s Jamie Greening and Paul Bennet to bring us on home to Christmas. Until then, don’t take strange boxes from people with hamster fetishes, watch out for Bigfoot, and always … don’t break anything.

The Worst Christmas Miracle Ever – Rob Cely

The consequences of our actions spread out like a spiderweb throughout our lives. Approach an intersection and stop, and your whole life can change from what would have happened had you continued on.

Or, as we see in today’s story from Rob Cely, someone else’s life can turn on the pivots you make, even if those pivots are less than desirable from your perspective.

Check out The Worst Christmas Miracle Ever by Rob Cely and think about all the Maybes, all the What-Ifs, all the If-Onlys in your life .. and what unforeseen consequences might have resulted.

If you have the time, please check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

If you’d like what you see, you might also check out our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Derek Alan Elkins will be back on Friday with the next story. Until then, keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the steering wheel, and, as always, don’t break anything.

The Best Christmas Ever

Ladies and Gentlepersons! Come one, Come all to the somewhat annual, Aawesometastical, Splendiferous Fondue Writer’s Club (and Bar & Grille and Laundromat)’s FREE FLASH FICTION CHRISTMAS EXPLODE-A-GANZA!

We have a lot of great stories in store for you this year, and we can wait for you to read them. Before we get into that, I just wanted to say thanks for joining us in our slog through the holidays this year. We hope you’re all healthy, that you’re all happy, and that Santa brings you everything you wanted this year.

In an effort to save the best for the “not first” position, I’m leading off again. Here’s my story … THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER
**** **** **** **** **** **** ****

It started off innocently enough. 

“Hey Joey. Wanna get some ice cream?” 

“Sure, Mom!” 

I was eight  years old, and my brain hadn’t developed enough yet to realize that when Mom comes right out and offers ice cream, there are always strings attached. 

Five minutes later, she pulled into the parking lot at our church 

“Just go to play practice, sweetie. We’ll get ice cream afterward.” 

“But MOM. I don’t WANNA be in the Christmas play.” 

Mom had been doing this to me for years, tricking me into being a part of the annual Children’s Christmas Cantata at Forest Park Baptist Church in Cincinnati, Ohio.  I was a wise man one year, and a cowboy on crutches the next. But the worst was the last year when I had to play the back half of the Christmas Donkey for an hour long manger scene. 

There’s nothing worse than making a literal ass of yourself on stage.

This year, I had vowed not to participate, but my mother was cunning, playing on my love of sweets, and as I watched her drive away I knew there was no getting around it. I had lost yet again. 

Because I was one of the oldest and most outgoing kids, the director handed me the lead part: the Angel Gabriel. I had to wear a flowy white gown, and say the big line at the end:  “His name will be Jesus, the savior of all mankind.” 

My friends caught wind of the story, and keyed in on the gown. 

“Dude! You’re wearing a dress? ON STAGE? I’m bringing a camera. I NEVER want to forget this!” 

Two months of agonizing play practice later, and the night of the play arrives. The audience is packed. My family is in the front, my friends with brand new disposable cameras sitting in the back. Everyone I knew or interacted with was there to see me make a ffool of myself yet again.

The play went on as planned. We got to my big line at the end, I stepped forward in my flowy white gown, heard the hundred snaps of disposable documenting my humiliation, and reached skyward.

“His name will be…. “

But my mind went blank. Nothing. Zip, Zilch, Nada.

In a Baptist Church on CHRISTMAS EVE, I had forgotten Jesus’ name.

But that’s not the bad part. The bad part is what came next.

“HIs name will be … F(UDGE), I orgot my line. 

Only I didn’t say FUDGE. 

Confession time. I come from a long line of people who RAISE the use of profanity almost to an art form. And in what was likely my most horrific display of artisanal linguistic prowess to date, I dropped the F-Bomb right there in church. 

I watched from the stage as the effect hit the audience like a tidal wave. 

Parents covered their childrens ears. The old ladies in the back frowned in disgust. The deacons snickered.  My friends in the front put down their cameras and just started clapping.

It was pandemonium. 

The last thing I saw was a little blonde girl in the front who turned to her mother and said “Mommy, what does F(udge) mean?” right as the curtain closed on yet another successful Christmas Youth Cantata at Forest Part Baptist Church. 

The car ride home was silent. I could feel my mother fuming in the front seat as the wheels in her brain turned over several sadistic punishments she would lay out for me when we got home. 

But My Father broke the silence

“You know what, son, I think you’re probably a little too old to be in the church Christmas play. I think this was your last year.” 

“Yeah dad?”

“Yeah. I was thinking that last year after the donkey incident.” 

“Alright!”  

Mom crossed her arms in a huff as her gauntlet of punishments evaporating into thin air. She would eventually find a way to pay me back for my insolence. But it would not be this day. 

“Hey dad?” 

“Yeah son?” 

“Can we get some ice cream on the way home?” 

“Sure! That sounds Great!” 

We hadn’t even opened presents yet and, already I knew this would be the best Christmas Ever.

**** **** **** **** ****

If you have the time, please check out the sites for ALL of the Fondue Writers: Joseph CourtemancheJamie D. GreeningKathy KexelDerek Alan ElkinsRob Cely, and Dr. Paul Bennet. If you like what you see, why not pick up a few copies of their books? It covers the cost of everything, and it gives us hope in those long, dark nights when we’re dreaming up new stories, that Christmas miracles really do come true.

If you’d like what you see, you might also check out our first collection of short stories, The Covid Quarantine Catina, written during the first months of the Covid-19 lockdowns. It’s available in Kindle, Paperback, and Audio formats.

Rob Cely will be back on Wednesday with the next story. Until then, watch your language, keep an eye out for kids in flowy white gowns, and, as always, don’t break anything.