Elevator Conversations: Weight Loss

Guy #1: So what do we do for lunch?

Guy #2: Chipotle?

Guy #3: Five Guys?

Guy #1: Actually, I was thinking of getting a salad.

Guys 1&2: A what?

Guy #1: … A sa…A salad.


Guy #1: I’ve gained a lot of weight lately. I need to dial it back some.

Guy #2: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right. I mean, you DO look like you’ve swallowed a sheep.

Guy #3: Right. It’s like you took the reverse Captain America Serum.

Guy #2: We should probably see if we can get a crane shipped to your house so you can move around from room to room.

Guy #3: But one of those REINFORCED cranes they use for lifting huge boulders on top of buildings.

Guy #2: Why would anybody want a boulder on top of a building?

Guy #3: This guy would. He’d probably try to eat it.


Guy #1: Fine. We’ll go to Chipotle.

Guys 2&3: Alright!

Elevator Conversations: Sleepy Time

Two men standing in an elevator. One has a large bruise on his forehead.

Man #1: Dude. What happened to your face?
Man #2: Oh nothing. I just fell asleep in the shower and knocked my head against the faucet.
Man #1: Wow. I bet that woke you up.pretty quick, huh?
Man #2: No. I slept there for a good thirty minutes before my wife came in to see what was going on.
Man #1: Heh
Man #2: She said the tile amplified my snoring and it sounded like a wild animal being drowned in our bathroom.
Man #1: Why’d it take her thirty minutes?
Man #2: This wasn’t the first time this has happened.


Elevator Conversations: Elmer’s Glue

Person #1: Did you hear what Beyoncé said about Donald Trump?

Person #2: Celebrity gossip is like Sports. Or the weather. Cheap Elmer’s Glue for people who can’t figure out another way to bond.

Person #1: Alright. Fine. Damn.

Elevator Conversations: Dora

I’m standing in the elevator. Some guy walks in, presses a button, and the doors close.

The elevator does not move.

Me: Great.
Him: (to the tune of a Dora Explorer song) Come on, Vomanos. Everybody let’s go!.

I look at him as if to say, “Really, dude?” He looks sheepish until the elevator starts moving.

He smiles the rest of the way.


Elevator Conversations: The Sound of Silence

I’m standing in an elevator, alone, when a man in a leather coat and dark sunglasses walks in. The door closes behind him.

The man turns his head and stares at me.

Me: Hey, man. How’s it going?
Him: …
Me: …
Me: Hot out today, isn’t it?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: You from around here?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

The door opens. The man laughs derisively and walks out.

Me: Kay … Bye, then.