Guy #1: So what do we do for lunch?
Guy #2: Chipotle?
Guy #3: Five Guys?
Guy #1: Actually, I was thinking of getting a salad.
Guys 1&2: A what?
Guy #1: … A sa…A salad.
Guy #1: I’ve gained a lot of weight lately. I need to dial it back some.
Guy #2: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right. I mean, you DO look like you’ve swallowed a sheep.
Guy #3: Right. It’s like you took the reverse Captain America Serum.
Guy #2: We should probably see if we can get a crane shipped to your house so you can move around from room to room.
Guy #3: But one of those REINFORCED cranes they use for lifting huge boulders on top of buildings.
Guy #2: Why would anybody want a boulder on top of a building?
Guy #3: This guy would. He’d probably try to eat it.
Guy #1: Fine. We’ll go to Chipotle.
Guys 2&3: Alright!
Two men standing in an elevator. One has a large bruise on his forehead.
Man #1: Dude. What happened to your face?
Man #2: Oh nothing. I just fell asleep in the shower and knocked my head against the faucet.
Man #1: Wow. I bet that woke you up.pretty quick, huh?
Man #2: No. I slept there for a good thirty minutes before my wife came in to see what was going on.
Man #1: Heh
Man #2: She said the tile amplified my snoring and it sounded like a wild animal being drowned in our bathroom.
Man #1: Why’d it take her thirty minutes?
Man #2: This wasn’t the first time this has happened.
Person #1: I feel hungry.
Person #2: Hunger’s not an emotion.
Person #3: It is today.
Person #1: Did you hear what Beyoncé said about Donald Trump?
Person #2: Celebrity gossip is like Sports. Or the weather. Cheap Elmer’s Glue for people who can’t figure out another way to bond.
Person #1: Alright. Fine. Damn.
Kids: Daddy, what’s “Middle Aged?”
Me: The point in life where regret overtakes hope.
I’m standing in the elevator. Some guy walks in, presses a button, and the doors close.
The elevator does not move.
Him: (to the tune of a Dora Explorer song) Come on, Vomanos. Everybody let’s go!.
I look at him as if to say, “Really, dude?” He looks sheepish until the elevator starts moving.
He smiles the rest of the way.
Standing in an elevator with my eldest son.
Me: Hey, buddy. Your shoes are on backwards.
Man #1: I’d make a pretty bad father.
Man #2: Yeah, but you’d make a kick ass uncle!
I’m standing in an elevator, alone, when a man in a leather coat and dark sunglasses walks in. The door closes behind him.
The man turns his head and stares at me.
Me: Hey, man. How’s it going?
Me: Hot out today, isn’t it?
Me: You from around here?
The door opens. The man laughs derisively and walks out.
Me: Kay … Bye, then.