Author & Speaker
Riding the elevator at work. It stops. An apparently angry man walks in.
Me: …You alright, man?
Him: … (bleep)ing Santa Claus. I hate that (bleep)er.
He turns to me
Him: You know?
Me: … Uh yeah, dude. (Bleep) that guy.
Him: Damn right!
We get to the first floor and he storms off.
#elevatorconversations
Overheard tail end of a conversation about a co-worker that is apparently pissing them off…
Guy #1: Can you believe that guy?
Guy #2: I know, right?
Guy #1: What should we do?
Guy #1: Sweep the leg.
#ElevatorConversations
Me: I’m so stuffed up, I sound like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
Other Dude: Ha! I sound like The Joker!
Large, Muscular Man with a deep voice: I sound like Catwoman (he looks at both of us, expressionless) … Meow.
#ElevatorConversations
That awkward moment in the elevator when you realize the man standing next to you in an expensive, three-piece suit is the same guy you saw running on the trails next to your office building only an hour ago; only then, he wore just a Spedo.
A white Spedo.
#ElevatorConversations
Guy#1: So I leave my house to take the dog for a walk last night, and my wife dumps a bucket of ice water on my head. Then she ran away.
GUY#2: AWESOME!
GUY#1: WTF was that about?
GUY#2: It’s to support ACLs or something.
GUY#1: What’s an ACL?
GUY#2: Its a sports thing.
GUY#1: Oh. That makes sense now. I should probably call my wife an apologize for yelling. I didn’t know she liked sports so much.
#ElevatorConversations
Two men in expensive suits walk into an elevator. One grips a wood-handled umbrella like a cudgel.
Man #1: Dude, what’s that for?
Man #2: The meeting this afternoon. This will stop the screaming.
Man #1: WHAT! Who’s gonna be screaming!?!?
Man #2: Not me….Definitely not me.
#elevatorconversations
A Co-worker: Call my crazy, but I don’t like it when project managers refer to the end stage of their projects as “The Final Solution,” especially when those PMs are German.
Standing in the elevator with a co-worker. A young woman walks in, cell phone to her ear, makeup running, sobbing hysterically. She is on the phone with who appears to be her new ex-boyfriend.
Her: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!!?!
Her: …
Her: I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I HATE YOU. CANT YOU SEE THAT, MORON?!
Her: …
Her: I ONLY WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE ONCE. NOTHING HAPPENED.
Her: …
Her (quietly): He did?
Her: …
Her: I DONT CARE IF YOU KNOW. I STILL LOVE YOU. DONT DO THIS! I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
She leaves. Co-worker turns to me. “Smart man,” he says.
“Uh huh.”
#elevatorconversations
Overheard on the elevator to lunch…
“So my kid says, ‘Mom, am I good at math because I’m half-Asian?’ and I says, ‘No. You’re good at math because you’re half ME'”
#ElevatorConversations
Emergency at Epcot. I ran into the elevator with a kid in each arm, both of whom wore pants that bore the wrath of cheaply made diapers worn well past the manufacturer’s suggested amount of human excrement. The kids screamed like megaphones.
I pressed the button and turned to see a pair of teenage love birds, their arms locked together, shocked expressions on their faces.
“Remember this,” I said as the doors opened and I ran away.
#elevatorconversations