Author & Speaker
Guy #1: How’d your date go?
Guy #2: Terrible.
Guy #1: What happened?
Guy #2: She said she was from “The Isle of Man.” I was all like, “I’m not into dudes, okay” and left.
Guy #1: … You know the Isle of Man is a real place, right?
Guy #2: … What?
#elevatorconversations
Riding the elevator at work. It stops. An apparently angry man walks in.
Me: …You alright, man?
Him: … (bleep)ing Santa Claus. I hate that (bleep)er.
He turns to me
Him: You know?
Me: … Uh yeah, dude. (Bleep) that guy.
Him: Damn right!
We get to the first floor and he storms off.
#elevatorconversations
Overheard tail end of a conversation about a co-worker that is apparently pissing them off…
Guy #1: Can you believe that guy?
Guy #2: I know, right?
Guy #1: What should we do?
Guy #1: Sweep the leg.
#ElevatorConversations
Me: I’m so stuffed up, I sound like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
Other Dude: Ha! I sound like The Joker!
Large, Muscular Man with a deep voice: I sound like Catwoman (he looks at both of us, expressionless) … Meow.
#ElevatorConversations
That awkward moment in the elevator when you realize the man standing next to you in an expensive, three-piece suit is the same guy you saw running on the trails next to your office building only an hour ago; only then, he wore just a Spedo.
A white Spedo.
#ElevatorConversations
Guy#1: So I leave my house to take the dog for a walk last night, and my wife dumps a bucket of ice water on my head. Then she ran away.
GUY#2: AWESOME!
GUY#1: WTF was that about?
GUY#2: It’s to support ACLs or something.
GUY#1: What’s an ACL?
GUY#2: Its a sports thing.
GUY#1: Oh. That makes sense now. I should probably call my wife an apologize for yelling. I didn’t know she liked sports so much.
#ElevatorConversations
Two men in expensive suits walk into an elevator. One grips a wood-handled umbrella like a cudgel.
Man #1: Dude, what’s that for?
Man #2: The meeting this afternoon. This will stop the screaming.
Man #1: WHAT! Who’s gonna be screaming!?!?
Man #2: Not me….Definitely not me.
#elevatorconversations
A Co-worker: Call my crazy, but I don’t like it when project managers refer to the end stage of their projects as “The Final Solution,” especially when those PMs are German.
Standing in the elevator with a co-worker. A young woman walks in, cell phone to her ear, makeup running, sobbing hysterically. She is on the phone with who appears to be her new ex-boyfriend.
Her: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!!?!
Her: …
Her: I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I HATE YOU. CANT YOU SEE THAT, MORON?!
Her: …
Her: I ONLY WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE ONCE. NOTHING HAPPENED.
Her: …
Her (quietly): He did?
Her: …
Her: I DONT CARE IF YOU KNOW. I STILL LOVE YOU. DONT DO THIS! I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
She leaves. Co-worker turns to me. “Smart man,” he says.
“Uh huh.”
#elevatorconversations
Overheard on the elevator to lunch…
“So my kid says, ‘Mom, am I good at math because I’m half-Asian?’ and I says, ‘No. You’re good at math because you’re half ME'”
#ElevatorConversations