Elevator Conversations: Wrong Day

I step into the elevator, push the button, and watch the doors close. Another guy is alteady there. He seems happy.

Guy: Hey man. How’s it going?
Me: Good. You?
Guy: Same here. Thank God it’s Friday, right?
Me: …Um…It’s only Thursday
Guy: Really?
Me: Yep.
Guy: … … … (*Expletive*)


Recruiters: Not What They’re Cracked Up To Be

If you’re out there looking for a job, you may be tempted to throw your efforts into working with recruiters. This can work out well for you if you keep two very important rules in mind as you proceed;
  1. Recruiters work for potential employers. They do not work for you. If they can get you into a new job as quickly as possible, they will, even if it means getting you somewhere that is a horrible fit.
  2. Recruiters are often ignorant of the requirements they hope to meet in their search for potential new employees.
Hello Joseph,
I came across a position I thought would interest you. Please take a moment to review this opportunity and let me know if you would like to learn more.
Position: Tableau Developer
Location: Newark, DE
Required Skills: 
1) 5+ years of Tableau 8 development experience.
2) Ability to rapidly develop Tableau dashboards
3) Ability to quickly understand reporting requirements and translate them into actionable visualizations.
4) Experience working with complex data sets.
5) Assist with requirements, testing, and production of Data Quality Reporting
6) Good communication skills to assist and lead training across the team
My Response…

Sounds Interesting!

Quick question: If Tableu 8 was released in March of 2013, how is it possible to have 5+ years of experience with it? Unless…Are you e-mailing me from the future!

Oh boy!

What’s it like in the future? Has the planet melted? Are there constant riots (we’re currently dealing with the Baltimore riots. Do you remember those? Did they end quickly? I sure hope so)? Have the CIncinnati Bengals finally put together team that can win a playoff game?

I have so many questions. If you have a phone number where I can call you in the future, I’d love to talk about stuff further.

As things stand, I only have two years of experience with Tableau 8. If I get this job and you pull me through an Einstein-Rosen bridge to the future, will I be given credit for the extra year of development I technically never experienced? What if I locate a DeLorean like from Back to the Future? Would that help?

I look forward to hearing again … FROM THE FUTURE!

Elevator Conversations: Pi Day

I step onto the elevator next to a Sr Manager from the IT department. He’s got two pies in his hand.

Him: Hi, Joe!
Me: Hey … Those look good. You guys having a party or something?
Him: Yeah. It’s Pi day. P..I…Like the math symbol. Get it?
Me: Oh, I get it. The only problem is today is March 12. Pi day is March 14.
Him: No…Pi stands for 3.12159.
Me: …Um…No it doesn’t.
Him: I’m pretty sure it does. Why don’t you go look it up (his tone implying that the next, unspoken word, would have been “idiot.”)
Me:…Okay, then.


Elevator Conversations: Mistaken Identity

Standing on the top floor. Waiting for the elevator. A woman leans over. “I love your work,” she says.

“Excuse me?”

“My kids think you’re hilarious.”


“You’re Will Sasso, the comedian, right?”

“No, m’am. My names’s Joe.”

She smiles, knowingly. “Uh huh.”

“I’m just a programmer!”

“Right. Sure.” She pulls out a piece of paper and a pen, handing it to me.

“Can you sign this for my kids?”

“Uh …. Sure.”

So I signed it “Thanks for your support,” and I put ironic quotation marks around “Joe Shaw”


Elevator Conversations: The Isle Of Man

Guy #1: How’d your date go?
Guy #2: Terrible.
Guy #1: What happened?
Guy #2: She said she was from “The Isle of Man.” I was all like, “I’m not into dudes, okay” and left.
Guy #1: … You know the Isle of Man is a real place, right?
Guy #2: … What?


Elevator Conversations: Bad Santa

Riding the elevator at work. It stops. An apparently angry man walks in.

Me: …You alright, man?
Him: … (bleep)ing Santa Claus. I hate that (bleep)er.

He turns to me

Him: You know?
Me: … Uh yeah, dude. (Bleep) that guy.
Him: Damn right!

We get to the first floor and he storms off.


Elevator Conversations: Superheroes

Me: I’m so stuffed up, I sound like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.

Other Dude: Ha! I sound like The Joker!

Large, Muscular Man with a deep voice: I sound like Catwoman (he looks at both of us, expressionless) … Meow.


Elevator Conversations: Eye Bleach

That awkward moment in the elevator when you realize the man standing next to you in an expensive, three-piece suit is the same guy you saw running on the trails next to your office building only an hour ago; only then, he wore just a Spedo.

A white Spedo.