Elevator Conversations: Eye Bleach

That awkward moment in the elevator when you realize the man standing next to you in an expensive, three-piece suit is the same guy you saw running on the trails next to your office building only an hour ago; only then, he wore just a Spedo.

A white Spedo.

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Elevator Conversations: Charity

Guy#1: So I leave my house to take the dog for a walk last night, and my wife dumps a bucket of ice water on my head. Then she ran away.
GUY#2: AWESOME!
GUY#1: WTF was that about?
GUY#2: It’s to support ACLs or something.
GUY#1: What’s an ACL?
GUY#2: Its a sports thing.
GUY#1: Oh. That makes sense now. I should probably call my wife an apologize for yelling. I didn’t know she liked sports so much.

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Elevator Conversations: The Proper Motivation

Two men in expensive suits walk into an elevator. One grips a wood-handled umbrella like a cudgel.

Man #1: Dude, what’s that for?
Man #2: The meeting this afternoon. This will stop the screaming.
Man #1: WHAT! Who’s gonna be screaming!?!?
Man #2: Not me….Definitely not me.

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Elevator Conversations: Dodging Bullets

Standing in the elevator with a co-worker. A young woman walks in, cell phone to her ear, makeup running, sobbing hysterically. She is on the phone with who appears to be her new ex-boyfriend.

Her: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!!?!
Her: …
Her: I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I HATE YOU. CANT YOU SEE THAT, MORON?!
Her: …
Her: I ONLY WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE ONCE. NOTHING HAPPENED.
Her: …
Her (quietly): He did?
Her: …
Her: I DONT CARE IF YOU KNOW. I STILL LOVE YOU. DONT DO THIS! I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

She leaves. Co-worker turns to me. “Smart man,” he says.

“Uh huh.”

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Elevator Conversation: Genetics and Math

Overheard on the elevator to lunch…

“So my kid says, ‘Mom, am I good at math because I’m half-Asian?’ and I says, ‘No. You’re good at math because you’re half ME'”

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Elevator Conversations: Diapers

Emergency at Epcot. I ran into the elevator with a kid in each arm, both of whom wore pants that bore the wrath of cheaply made diapers worn well past the manufacturer’s suggested amount of human excrement. The kids screamed like megaphones.

I pressed the button and turned to see a pair of teenage love birds, their arms locked together, shocked expressions on their faces.

“Remember this,” I said as the doors opened and I ran away.

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Elevator Conversations: Pop Psychology

Lady, on the phone to her daughter, who was apparently in an existential crisis: You know what Dr. Phil says, sweetie. ‘Don’t live in tomorrow’s yesterday. Live in yesterday’s tomorrow!’

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