I’m standing in an elevator, alone, when a man in a leather coat and dark sunglasses walks in. The door closes behind him.
The man turns his head and stares at me.
Me: Hey, man. How’s it going?
Me: Hot out today, isn’t it?
Me: You from around here?
The door opens. The man laughs derisively and walks out.
Me: Kay … Bye, then.
Walking into an elevator, I see a co-worker being berated by a senior exec. He tries to defend himself, but there is no defense in times such as these.
When the screaming stops, the co-worker joins me in the elevator. He faces the doors for a moment, then speaks as if delivering a sermon to his boss.
Co-Worker: On this beautiful day of our Lord, I raise not one, but TWO middle fingers in your direction. May they gaze lovingly over you and all that you stand for.
Me: The word of the Lord
I step into the elevator, push the button, and watch the doors close. Another guy is alteady there. He seems happy.
Guy: Hey man. How’s it going?
Me: Good. You?
Guy: Same here. Thank God it’s Friday, right?
Me: …Um…It’s only Thursday
Guy: … … … (*Expletive*)
I step onto the elevator next to a Sr Manager from the IT department. He’s got two pies in his hand.
Him: Hi, Joe!
Me: Hey … Those look good. You guys having a party or something?
Him: Yeah. It’s Pi day. P..I…Like the math symbol. Get it?
Me: Oh, I get it. The only problem is today is March 12. Pi day is March 14.
Him: No…Pi stands for 3.12159.
Me: …Um…No it doesn’t.
Him: I’m pretty sure it does. Why don’t you go look it up (his tone implying that the next, unspoken word, would have been “idiot.”)
Standing on the top floor. Waiting for the elevator. A woman leans over. “I love your work,” she says.
“My kids think you’re hilarious.”
“You’re Will Sasso, the comedian, right?”
“No, m’am. My names’s Joe.”
She smiles, knowingly. “Uh huh.”
“I’m just a programmer!”
“Right. Sure.” She pulls out a piece of paper and a pen, handing it to me.
“Can you sign this for my kids?”
“Uh …. Sure.”
So I signed it “Thanks for your support,” and I put ironic quotation marks around “Joe Shaw”
Guy #1: How’d your date go?
Guy #2: Terrible.
Guy #1: What happened?
Guy #2: She said she was from “The Isle of Man.” I was all like, “I’m not into dudes, okay” and left.
Guy #1: … You know the Isle of Man is a real place, right?
Guy #2: … What?
Riding the elevator at work. It stops. An apparently angry man walks in.
Me: …You alright, man?
Him: … (bleep)ing Santa Claus. I hate that (bleep)er.
He turns to me
Him: You know?
Me: … Uh yeah, dude. (Bleep) that guy.
Him: Damn right!
We get to the first floor and he storms off.
Overheard tail end of a conversation about a co-worker that is apparently pissing them off…
Guy #1: Can you believe that guy?
Guy #2: I know, right?
Guy #1: What should we do?
Guy #1: Sweep the leg.
Me: I’m so stuffed up, I sound like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
Other Dude: Ha! I sound like The Joker!
Large, Muscular Man with a deep voice: I sound like Catwoman (he looks at both of us, expressionless) … Meow.
That awkward moment in the elevator when you realize the man standing next to you in an expensive, three-piece suit is the same guy you saw running on the trails next to your office building only an hour ago; only then, he wore just a Spedo.
A white Spedo.